Saturday, July 2, 2011

         I havent blogged in a long time, This reason is due to many issues going on in my life. I lost the love of my life because I was stupid, but something happened today, I got a text from him. After not talking and hurting for months, he contacted me. He told me he said he'd never leave me. I dont know what's happening... maybe this is a sign that Im going to die soon. But my angel returned and im terrified. Not because hes back, but because he might leave again if I get scared and push him away.
    Im really confused but Im not gonna question the gods' will. Im thankful he is back... things were getting bad and I always knew I could count on him. But thats I have to say now, I have to get ready for work. ha.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Going With the Flow

     We hear this term a lot when it comes to life, but do we really follow this advice? Do we just let life go and hang on for the ride? Or do we take control of our lives and demand them to go a certain way? What is it about the dreams and goals we set for ourselves that determine how we live our lives? Can they drive us, or destroy us?
     For the longest time, I always had goals that I was damn determined to exceed, but I'm starting to see that life can't always go the way I wanted, that I have to make the best of what I have. I love to plan for my future. I'm a planner, it's what I do. But someone taught me that plans don't always go the way I want, that I have to live for the NOW and not the WHEN.
     My plans for the Hollywood college life, have gone out the window. I planned to go to a university out of state and live independently. I wanted the dorm, and the cool room mate, parties, and being a good student. Well, that didn't happen. My family didn't have the money to send me out of state, I would only have my liscence for 2 months and I would have had to of driven over 2000 miles by myself. Talk about scary. So those dreams died, but new ones blossomed. I now am attending a junior college to get my general ed. down, then I plan to transfer to a a university. It is easier, now that I have some control over what I do. I can live at home, for free, with my dad, and get a good job. I can live for free, eat for free, and save up my money for what it's really needed for. School is just down the road and it's cheaper, haha.
     The idea of having the perfect boyfriend NOW has really changed my view on love. I always wanted the knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet and show me the true meaning of love. But, I haven't gotten that, yet. I still have a lot to learn about relationships and love itself. For the longest time, I chased love. I never let it come to me, as it should. I wanted everything RIGHT NOW. A long term boyfriend, maybe a future hubby, and kids. I've pushed this on my current boyfriend and he pulled away every time I do. He tells me he's not ready for it and I'm rushing things. I need to slow down! I need to enjoy being a teenager, while I can. I wanted a steady life NOW. Why? Because my life has never been steady, and I crave that. But, if I decide to live that lifestyle NOW it may end really bad. I need to have fun and be ME. Be the TEEN Silver, not the I-wanna-be-a-wife-and-mom Silver.
     Those are just two examples of how I'm FORCING myself to live a life I have no idea about. I need to live for the day and not for 20 years from now. "Going with the flow". I need to do that, I need to remind myself that it's okay to be a kid. I don't need so much responsibility and worry in my life. I just need to be the seventeen year old that is about to graduate high school. I need to take advantage of realizing that this is the start of my life. So this is me, starting my life, not worrying about the future of what's to come. I'm not going to center my life around one guy or one dream, but I'm going to embrace all the lessons that life has to teach.
     So "going with the flow" is going to be fun, like floating down the river of time. I'm just excited for the adventures along the way!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

High School Regrets

        High school. It can be your worst nightmare or four years of your life that you really enjoyed. It's a time in our lives where we grow the most and learn some valuable lessons in life. For some, high school is a living hell, for others, bearable. But what about when you're about to graduate, and you look back? Are you proud to say you went to every football game? Tried out for every sport? Or even joined every club? Can you say you went to all the dances and weren't a wall flower? Did you really take advantage of every opportunity to grow out of a middle school dork and into a young and mature adult? Would you go back and have a major redo? 
     High school for me was not all that I thought it would be. I was expecting big "bangs" to happen, like in the movies. But Hollywood and reality don't exactly mix. Going through high school was just like going through middle school, and through elementary. There weren't flashing lights, gorgeous jocks, or snobby cheerleaders (okay, there ARE but not as bad as in the movies!). It was just people going through life, trying to pass classes, and dreaming of graduating.
    But for me, I think I could do a major make-over on my high school career. There are so many things I wish I could just go back and redo. I think to myself often about what I would go back and redo. My grades in freshman and sophomore year were pretty good, but I think now that I should have gone out for sports, got more involved in clubs, and pushed myself to be more social. I wanted to go out for sports, but I never felt like I was good enough. I was either too short or couldn't run long enough. Clubs, weren't really much of an option because I have commitment issues. That, and I couldn't always get a ride home. I was really shy then, still am, and so the dream of being a "popular girl" went out the window.
     Driving is huge to a teen in high school! I planned on driving when I was 16, but family issues happened and I had to push it back to 18. I see all these younger kids having liscenses and I envy them. I wish I would have pushed myself more to push my parents to let me drive. So not I have to wait until May to go for it.
    Clubs. We had a lot of clubs on campus! A lot that interested me too! I wish I would have joined them and maybe them I would have explored more of my talents and made some good friends along the way. I wanted to do photography, German, writting, and maybe even Key Club. Now, trying to do essays for college admission is hard when you haven't done community service.
    Classes. I wish I would have taken some classes over others. In sophomore year, I was trying to take chemistry, but when I was put in geology, and I didn't push to get it changed. I wish I would have been in journalism and helped work on the school newspaper (which I'm helping with now! Yay!). If I could go back, I wouldn't have taken an AP class and end up failing it. I would have fought harder to get out of a class that I knew the teacher was impossible, and not failed it. I would have challenged myself more and not try to go for the easy classes. I would've gone out for the advanced choir instead of thinking I wasn't good enough and chickening out.
    Sports. I love some sports. With training, I really could have done some amazing things. I didn't go out for volleyball cause I thought only tall girls got it. I wanted to do water polo but I couldn't swim well and I was worried about getting the crap beaten out of me. Maybe I would have even gone out for track. If I would have taken advantage of all of this, I would love to be more active. Now, It's kind of a pain in the ass to run. I actually can't run too well.
    I wish I would have done many things differently. Maybe not fall for him, or listen to her drama, and be there for him when he needed me. If I could redo all of high school, I really would. Now, graduating in 2 months, I'm actually scared about what to do next. Again, my plans have been swooped from under me, but I know that this time, I need to stand up and put my foot down and do things MY way.
       High school taught me all of this, I just wish I could go back and fix it to my ideals. But, you know what they say, things happen for a reason. Still, no matter what live throws at you, take advantage of it!!!!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Jesus Broke My Heart

    This blog is going to be about why I do not call myself a Christian. This blog reflects my experiences and my decisions, so if you are sensitive about non-Christians, then I suggest you do not read this entry.

    A little background information about my faith, my whole family is made up of hardcore Christians. My family is a little than more on the prejudice side when it comes to those who do not follow the path of Christ. I currently live with my dad who believes that if I live under his roof, I WILL believe as he does. Frankly. I am NOT a Christian. I am a Pagan, a Celtic Witch to be specific. I was born and raised under the Christian banner, but in my heart, I did not believe as they did.
     Up until the 8th grade, I called myself a Christian. I went to church as often as I could because I wanted to be closer to God. I wanted to feel accepted into something that I wouldn't feel isolated from. So I followed what I knew. The ONLY thing I knew.
    Sometime in the 8th grade I hit rock bottom in my life. My family was disfunctional and I felt really isolated from the world. My dad was dying in the hospital, my mother was partying, and my little sister was slowly recovering from her brain injury that almost killed her. I was the only 14 and I was acting like the adult of the family. It was a lot of pressure on me. So I fell into depression and became suicidal. I was prone to suicidal attempts. In the 5th grade, I had my first experience of suicidal tendencies. I failed because I was saved by my angel then, I just didn't know it. 
      I became a goth. I know, the sterotype was bad but that's how terrible my depression was. I cut myself a lot; I have 33 scars on my left wrist. I was starting to become a misanthrope. I didn't trust anyone, I hated the world, and I really wanted to die.
    I realized that I was losing myself and I didn't want this at all. I cried out for help from Jesus and God, and waited patiently. I felt no comfort, I felt abandoned. For many days, I prayed and prayed as my dad was dying in the hospital. I got no reply, no small bit of comfort, nothing. I was devastated as I thought that God abandoned me.Jesus abandoned me and pretty much turned his back on me. I felt shattered, broken, and alone. All in all, that was when I lost my Christian faith. I saw that if God proclaimed he loved his children and allowed them to suffer like this, then there was no God.
   But not believing in something bigger than this world just didn't feel right. I KNEW that there was a God, I felt it, but it wasn't the Christian God. So I broke away from Christianity and followed my heart. Sometime, I actually DID take my life; I died. I felt really close with my Guardian Angel and so I knew he was with me the night that I died, along with someone else. A beautiful women who held me in her arms and healed my shattered heart. She showed me love and beauty that was indescrible. I believe that she was the Goddess and she brought me back to life. After the night I died, I followed her and from that day on she made me a better person.
    The things I felt with Christianity just did not feel right. I felt it preached love and compassion but still held hatred in its heart. My childhood evolved around nature and animals and seeing all life as sacred. Paganism taught me this, it taught me the true meaning of love, the true meaning of life, and how to live it beautifully.

     So that is the reason I am not a Christian. I just do not find it appealing. I respect it and it's followers, but It is not for me.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Boyfriend Won't Go To Prom With Me.

    It's the night every high school girl dreams of, besides her wedding, and the night she loses her virginity. She wants it to be magical, beautiful, and most of all, memorable. Prom, like in the movies, is a sort of Rite of Passage, especially if you are a senior. It's your LAST dance as a high school student; It should be the most amazing night of your high school career.
   This is how I was envision my prom night. It IS a big deal to me! Why? Because I am a hopeless romantic and I want a little piece of a fairytale. I had a crappy high school life, I didn't have many friends, I was never popular, I didn't do any sport. I want this night to be one that I can look back and think, "Hey, that was the most amazing night in school and I truly had fun." Prom, to me, is a super huge deal, and I would have love to have spend it with my boyfriend.
    Now, the boyfriend, does not feel the same way. He basically sees it as JUST  dance, but I've tried to explain to him that it's THE dance and it means a lot to ME. He has given my multiple excuses about why he wont go:
      1) "I work that night"
    He's worked at the same place for four years!!!!! He can ask to take ONE NIGHT off.
     2) "I don't have the money"
    What is a job for then? I told you months in advance! You couldn't have saved up?
     3) "I just don't like dances"
      Okay mister selfish! This dance IS NOT about you! You cant put aside your discomfort to make ME happy? To make this night all that I dreamed of?
    I just don't understand. I've BEGGED him to go. I told that if someone asks me to go, then he better not get jealous and give me hell. He said he'd be uncomfortable. Well hell! I'm not going to pass up the oppurtunity to have fun with someone that wants to go with me! If he has an issue, he has no one to blame but himself! Like I said, I BEGGED the man to go (I even offered to PAY for him at winter formal back in January and he still wouldn't go!).
    I'm not trying to be selfish, I'm really not. I'm just really hurt. I want to share this special night with HIM. No one else, HIM. I have never been asked to a dance. This, really makes me feel like CRAP. I just want ONE night, ONE fairytale night.... with him.
    He tells me that I will have fun regardless of if I go. I HATE going to dances, because people get to dance with their special someone. They have slow dances at prom; at Homecoming, I CRIED when a slow dance came on and I had no one to slow dance with...
    I'm just... I don't know.... I'm just really hurt. I have a feeling that no one will ask me to prom either, which makes this situation suck even more... I wouldn't mind skipping out on Prom, but dad already paid over a hundred bucks and when it came around last year, I cried at home cause everyone was having fun and I was sitting in my room like a loner. I'm tired of being alone... I'm so tired...
    So that's my sad and pathetic confession: I want an amazing Prom night... and I'm probably not going to get it....
                                         - Silver

Monday, March 28, 2011

Love... Is Him.

Love is... Talking past 12 am and you have to get up in 4 hours.
Love is... Seeing him at a football game and feeling grateful to see him even though you can't hang out with him.
Love is... Knowing you wont be able to see him in a long time but still hang on.
Love is... Knowing that you will be protected, even if it's from yourself.
Love is... Looking into his eyes and feeling whole.
Love is... Feeling at peace without even touching him.
Love is... Being able to pick up his scent before you hug him and your walls break down.
Love is... Crying on the phone with him and not feeling stupid.
Love is... Clinging to the bear he got you for Valentine's day and being able to sleep at night.
Love is... Knowing I can live without him but not wanting to.
Love is... Understanding that you're not the center of his life.
Love is... Knowing that his school and work come before you.
Love is... Praying that he is safe when he drives him in bad conditions.
Love is... Getting excited over a long morning text message before even reading it.
Love is... Knowing that he is insecure with himself but staying patient.
Love is... Being kissed on the forehead and thinking it's the greatest kind of kiss ever.
Love is... Knowing he will always be there, even when you fight.
Love is... Being in his arms and knowing that he will mean something important to you in life.
Love is... Getting the giggles when he does his duck quacks.
Love is... Not getting jealous cause he has a lot of chick friends.
Love is... Hearing his heartbeat and thanking God he was born.
Love is... Living on a prayer, when all the odds are against you.
Love is... Admitting you were wrong and apologizing when you hate it.
Love is... Wearing his Letterman's jacket and not caring if you got scolded at cause he's from a different school.
Love is... Knowing he's not the most attractive guy but in loving his heart, you learned to love all of him.
Love is... Knowing he's a virgin and being okay with that when you're not a virgin.
Love is... Admiring him even when he is just standing there.
Love is... Forgetting to breathe when he kisses you.
Love is... Seeing the unconditional love he has and how it's changed you life.
Love is... Staying by his side even if things ever turned bad.
Love is... Knowing he's not perfect but seeing him as perfect.
Love is... Him calling you a dork and you loving it.

Love is strong. Love is worth waiting for. Love is knowing you have something good and refusing to let it go. Love is being a better person because they showed you how. Love CAN be the fairytale of your life. Love is forever and enduring.

Love ...

Is him...

Friday, March 25, 2011

She Is A Pig. Plain And Simple.

   So let's start with my abhorrence for this..... THING!
      I was whatever when she came out as a lesbian. I'm a-okay with lesbians. My two best friends are practically engaged, and they're lesbians (its really cute <3). But anyways, so she came out as a lesbian. Chopped off her hair, dated chicks, even wrote poems and stuff about lesbians. The sick CHILD even wrote about lesbian smut, which I look down on any kind of smut.
   So while she's.... out there... being a "lesbian" Winter Formal comes around and as always there's drama at dances. My best friend and I, watch as she is dancing, and what do we see? The female is practically having sex on the god damn dance floor! She's grinding on GUYS! Correct me if I am wrong, but don't lesbians generally NOT like penis? Is that not why they are LESBIANS?! I mean I even asked if she "switched sides" which she got all offensive, ran away, and had her friend attack me on FACEBOOK. Her friends were defending her when she RAN AWAY from a QUESTION! If you cant defend your reasons for your causes, then why do you proclaim you're something you're not? So me and my best friend decided she was a fake and, well, she's dirty. She's not even human in my eyes. She's a fake and an attention whore, nothing more.

     Now, let's talk about him. He's the sweetest guy out there, when he's not being a player. Ive been hearing rumors that he might have a THING for..... IT! I am appalled at this! Why would he, the Romeo sort, go for a THING such as that?! It makes no damn sense!!!! And to add on to that, he might choose HER over ME! I'm true to myself, I have goals and morals, I'm prettier, and I have self-respect. Yeah, maybe I'm not as "bubbly and outgoing" as her but that's because I know the different times of when to be silly and when to be mature.

    So. I'm completely befuddled by all of this. It just doesn't make sense. And I'm sorry, but if he chooses her over me, then I will loose ALL respect for him. I KNOW he could do better than this. And I'm not asking him to commit himself to me, no, I already have a lover. But for him to even consider loving her versus me, when he and I have had a PAST, that bothers me! I just don't understand why he would possibly want to see her in that fashion! SHE IS DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!! LIKE PUKE MY BRAINS OUT DISGUSTING!!!!!! Ugh!!!!
     That's all I have to say. Goodnight.
                             - Silver