Going With the Flow

     We hear this term a lot when it comes to life, but do we really follow this advice? Do we just let life go and hang on for the ride? Or do we take control of our lives and demand them to go a certain way? What is it about the dreams and goals we set for ourselves that determine how we live our lives? Can they drive us, or destroy us?
     For the longest time, I always had goals that I was damn determined to exceed, but I'm starting to see that life can't always go the way I wanted, that I have to make the best of what I have. I love to plan for my future. I'm a planner, it's what I do. But someone taught me that plans don't always go the way I want, that I have to live for the NOW and not the WHEN.
     My plans for the Hollywood college life, have gone out the window. I planned to go to a university out of state and live independently. I wanted the dorm, and the cool room mate, parties, and being a good student. Well, that didn't happen. My family didn't have the money to send me out of state, I would only have my liscence for 2 months and I would have had to of driven over 2000 miles by myself. Talk about scary. So those dreams died, but new ones blossomed. I now am attending a junior college to get my general ed. down, then I plan to transfer to a a university. It is easier, now that I have some control over what I do. I can live at home, for free, with my dad, and get a good job. I can live for free, eat for free, and save up my money for what it's really needed for. School is just down the road and it's cheaper, haha.
     The idea of having the perfect boyfriend NOW has really changed my view on love. I always wanted the knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet and show me the true meaning of love. But, I haven't gotten that, yet. I still have a lot to learn about relationships and love itself. For the longest time, I chased love. I never let it come to me, as it should. I wanted everything RIGHT NOW. A long term boyfriend, maybe a future hubby, and kids. I've pushed this on my current boyfriend and he pulled away every time I do. He tells me he's not ready for it and I'm rushing things. I need to slow down! I need to enjoy being a teenager, while I can. I wanted a steady life NOW. Why? Because my life has never been steady, and I crave that. But, if I decide to live that lifestyle NOW it may end really bad. I need to have fun and be ME. Be the TEEN Silver, not the I-wanna-be-a-wife-and-mom Silver.
     Those are just two examples of how I'm FORCING myself to live a life I have no idea about. I need to live for the day and not for 20 years from now. "Going with the flow". I need to do that, I need to remind myself that it's okay to be a kid. I don't need so much responsibility and worry in my life. I just need to be the seventeen year old that is about to graduate high school. I need to take advantage of realizing that this is the start of my life. So this is me, starting my life, not worrying about the future of what's to come. I'm not going to center my life around one guy or one dream, but I'm going to embrace all the lessons that life has to teach.
     So "going with the flow" is going to be fun, like floating down the river of time. I'm just excited for the adventures along the way!

High School Regrets

        High school. It can be your worst nightmare or four years of your life that you really enjoyed. It's a time in our lives where we grow the most and learn some valuable lessons in life. For some, high school is a living hell, for others, bearable. But what about when you're about to graduate, and you look back? Are you proud to say you went to every football game? Tried out for every sport? Or even joined every club? Can you say you went to all the dances and weren't a wall flower? Did you really take advantage of every opportunity to grow out of a middle school dork and into a young and mature adult? Would you go back and have a major redo? 
     High school for me was not all that I thought it would be. I was expecting big "bangs" to happen, like in the movies. But Hollywood and reality don't exactly mix. Going through high school was just like going through middle school, and through elementary. There weren't flashing lights, gorgeous jocks, or snobby cheerleaders (okay, there ARE but not as bad as in the movies!). It was just people going through life, trying to pass classes, and dreaming of graduating.
    But for me, I think I could do a major make-over on my high school career. There are so many things I wish I could just go back and redo. I think to myself often about what I would go back and redo. My grades in freshman and sophomore year were pretty good, but I think now that I should have gone out for sports, got more involved in clubs, and pushed myself to be more social. I wanted to go out for sports, but I never felt like I was good enough. I was either too short or couldn't run long enough. Clubs, weren't really much of an option because I have commitment issues. That, and I couldn't always get a ride home. I was really shy then, still am, and so the dream of being a "popular girl" went out the window.
     Driving is huge to a teen in high school! I planned on driving when I was 16, but family issues happened and I had to push it back to 18. I see all these younger kids having liscenses and I envy them. I wish I would have pushed myself more to push my parents to let me drive. So not I have to wait until May to go for it.
    Clubs. We had a lot of clubs on campus! A lot that interested me too! I wish I would have joined them and maybe them I would have explored more of my talents and made some good friends along the way. I wanted to do photography, German, writting, and maybe even Key Club. Now, trying to do essays for college admission is hard when you haven't done community service.
    Classes. I wish I would have taken some classes over others. In sophomore year, I was trying to take chemistry, but when I was put in geology, and I didn't push to get it changed. I wish I would have been in journalism and helped work on the school newspaper (which I'm helping with now! Yay!). If I could go back, I wouldn't have taken an AP class and end up failing it. I would have fought harder to get out of a class that I knew the teacher was impossible, and not failed it. I would have challenged myself more and not try to go for the easy classes. I would've gone out for the advanced choir instead of thinking I wasn't good enough and chickening out.
    Sports. I love some sports. With training, I really could have done some amazing things. I didn't go out for volleyball cause I thought only tall girls got it. I wanted to do water polo but I couldn't swim well and I was worried about getting the crap beaten out of me. Maybe I would have even gone out for track. If I would have taken advantage of all of this, I would love to be more active. Now, It's kind of a pain in the ass to run. I actually can't run too well.
    I wish I would have done many things differently. Maybe not fall for him, or listen to her drama, and be there for him when he needed me. If I could redo all of high school, I really would. Now, graduating in 2 months, I'm actually scared about what to do next. Again, my plans have been swooped from under me, but I know that this time, I need to stand up and put my foot down and do things MY way.
    
       High school taught me all of this, I just wish I could go back and fix it to my ideals. But, you know what they say, things happen for a reason. Still, no matter what live throws at you, take advantage of it!!!!

Jesus Broke My Heart

    This blog is going to be about why I do not call myself a Christian. This blog reflects my experiences and my decisions, so if you are sensitive about non-Christians, then I suggest you do not read this entry.

    A little background information about my faith, my whole family is made up of hardcore Christians. My family is a little than more on the prejudice side when it comes to those who do not follow the path of Christ. I currently live with my dad who believes that if I live under his roof, I WILL believe as he does. Frankly. I am NOT a Christian. I am a Pagan, a Celtic Witch to be specific. I was born and raised under the Christian banner, but in my heart, I did not believe as they did.
     Up until the 8th grade, I called myself a Christian. I went to church as often as I could because I wanted to be closer to God. I wanted to feel accepted into something that I wouldn't feel isolated from. So I followed what I knew. The ONLY thing I knew.
    Sometime in the 8th grade I hit rock bottom in my life. My family was disfunctional and I felt really isolated from the world. My dad was dying in the hospital, my mother was partying, and my little sister was slowly recovering from her brain injury that almost killed her. I was the only 14 and I was acting like the adult of the family. It was a lot of pressure on me. So I fell into depression and became suicidal. I was prone to suicidal attempts. In the 5th grade, I had my first experience of suicidal tendencies. I failed because I was saved by my angel then, I just didn't know it. 
      I became a goth. I know, the sterotype was bad but that's how terrible my depression was. I cut myself a lot; I have 33 scars on my left wrist. I was starting to become a misanthrope. I didn't trust anyone, I hated the world, and I really wanted to die.
    I realized that I was losing myself and I didn't want this at all. I cried out for help from Jesus and God, and waited patiently. I felt no comfort, I felt abandoned. For many days, I prayed and prayed as my dad was dying in the hospital. I got no reply, no small bit of comfort, nothing. I was devastated as I thought that God abandoned me.Jesus abandoned me and pretty much turned his back on me. I felt shattered, broken, and alone. All in all, that was when I lost my Christian faith. I saw that if God proclaimed he loved his children and allowed them to suffer like this, then there was no God.
   But not believing in something bigger than this world just didn't feel right. I KNEW that there was a God, I felt it, but it wasn't the Christian God. So I broke away from Christianity and followed my heart. Sometime, I actually DID take my life; I died. I felt really close with my Guardian Angel and so I knew he was with me the night that I died, along with someone else. A beautiful women who held me in her arms and healed my shattered heart. She showed me love and beauty that was indescrible. I believe that she was the Goddess and she brought me back to life. After the night I died, I followed her and from that day on she made me a better person.
    The things I felt with Christianity just did not feel right. I felt it preached love and compassion but still held hatred in its heart. My childhood evolved around nature and animals and seeing all life as sacred. Paganism taught me this, it taught me the true meaning of love, the true meaning of life, and how to live it beautifully.

     So that is the reason I am not a Christian. I just do not find it appealing. I respect it and it's followers, but It is not for me.
                                               Blessings,
                                                            Silver